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SWEET DREAMS

My love, sweet pain of each breath,

Last night, as usual, I dreamed of you.
You were telling me how much you loved me and that you wanted me back.
And I whispered in your ear:

— I will love you forever, until my last breath, until the day I die. Adieu.

And then I left.

It felt as though I were losing my mind, as though I might faint while doing it. I had to gather every last fragment of strength and energy from the deepest corners of my soul and unite them in one supernatural effort — an effort that shattered me into thousands of pieces. And as I walked away, I felt a crack tear through my soul, one that will never truly heal and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But this dream made me realize something: all my life, I have been searching for safety and trust.

And if you could not appreciate me at the right time, when I was there for you every single day, how could you ever do so in the future?

No. Your time has passed, and your chances have come to an end.

Maybe, only if you may find the right words and choice, I might consider. That means real honesty.

I have finally recovered my light, my balance, and my peace. I now surround myself only with carefully chosen people — people who uplift me and nourish my spirit.

And I have no intention of changing that.

STILL EXPLAINING MYSELF LIKE AN IDIOT

Why do you think I don’t want to see you or hear from you anymore? And why do you get upset? You moved on already, found another toy.

What you did to me is not something new in this world. The world is full of selfish people and traitors. That is not the real issue.

The real pain is when it comes from the person you love the most in this world — the one who holds your heart forever. If this would have been done by someone I had no feelings for, I would have laughed, ignored it, and moved on.

But when my heart is in your hands, and you keep stabbing it with all the hate you seem capable of, that is a pain almost impossible to endure.

I could never harm you, even though I could have done so very easily. But you kept hurting me repeatedly, while protecting others from me. From me — a harmless person? And meanwhile you were demolishing my family. So, tell me, whom should protect from whom?

So yes, I left, because there was nothing left for me anymore. No love, no respect, no appreciation, no understanding. Just a cheap continuous harassment.

When did you ever truly talk to me honestly? When did you ever openly say what you really thought or felt? Never.

Why should I keep wasting my energy on something that keeps hurting me from every direction?

I have better things to do with my time and energy — especially taking care of my children. They are my main priority.

Yes, I miss you. I need you. I miss our small talks, our sweet little moments, our laughter.

I still cry and smile every day remembering those moments.

But love is not enough.

We belong to each other with such intense attraction, passion, and power that every meeting between us feels like a clash of titans, leaving me devastated for months afterward.

I love you insanely, passionately, with all the force of my heart.

Our relationship is a mixture of overwhelming emotions: power struggles, pride, revenge, unspoken words, hate, deep love, possession, and jealousy.

Yes, I am jealous. I wouldn’t allow another woman anywhere near you within a one kilometer radius. I hate even the smallest glance you give to other women. I am not a person of half measures, and neither are you. I felt your jealousy too.

And our love was never halfway. It was always all or nothing.

So tell me — how can I stay?

Whenever I calculate the mathematics of our relationship, it always ends with more negatives than positives.

I don’t see any better solution than cutting all connections completely.

The soul connection will always remain, yes. And for me, that is enough.

Anything beyond that takes us over boundaries we are not allowed to cross.

I left, and I will never come back.

But I am condemned to love you, and nothing will ever change that, until my very last breath.

Confession 2

I have so much to say, but my inner voice keeps telling me to stop writing about myself, about us. And my inner voice has always been right. Every time I ignored it, I ended up in trouble.

But you know me — I never truly listen to my inner voice, nor to my survival instincts. And I need to write this for my own healing process. I also do not want to forget anything, because one day, when life becomes less busy, I will write a book.

There is a fire inside me that keeps pushing me to take actions I am not even sure I want to take.

Actually, I was planning to tell another story from my past, but lately I have had this strange feeling that you think I may come back.

So let me be clear one last time: I am not coming back. This chapter is closed for me forever. I do not wish to see you, hear your voice, or hear anything about you. I have no desire to disturb the peace and focus I have finally found.

I only made a promise: to finish what I started. That is all. I never break my promises unless something truly beyond my control happens. And regarding the money, I will not ask for that, because I simply don’t want anything from you any more.

I have thought a lot about our story, and the more I think about it, the angrier I become at everything you did. I genuinely believe you — together with those close to you — need serious psychological help, because what I saw and felt there was so dark and disturbing that any normal human being would be horrified.

You chose power, lust, and betrayal over goodness.

But you did not destroy me. You brought me closer to God, and for that, I thank you. To be disrespected, betrayed, broken by others, and still remain strong, patient, kind, and silent through it all — that is true power. And strangely, that realization made me happy.

For those of us who believe in God, that is the a pretty high form of spiritual maturity.

So I was never truly sorry for myself. Even in my pain, I felt gratitude. I thanked God because He gave me the strength to endure it for Him.

I was sorry for you.

I worried about you deeply because I felt that you had crossed to the other side completely, and from there, the road back is very difficult and painful. Do you remember that conversation we had before you left on holiday? Our last serious conversation. That was the day I felt the final closure between us. I knew there was no return anymore. I felt as if a huge abyss had opened between us — but I was standing on the safe side of it.

And I felt like I had failed the mission God gave me: to save you. That thought truly broke me.

But the more I reflect on it, the more I believe the mission was not about saving you at all. Perhaps it was a test for me instead. I am not even sure whether I passed it, because I know I made many mistakes too. But somehow things still turned out well for me, because I never stopped fighting — mostly against myself and asking for His support.

To return to my story:

I told you before that in my past I encountered people who were deeply evil. So none of this was new to me. I saw the same patterns, almost the same words, the same character types. They used every weapon they had against me, and at that time I was young and innocent.

There were betrayals — even within my own family — manipulation, abuse of power, lust, darkness, and things so disturbing they are difficult to describe. At times it felt like a form of brainwashing.

There was also the classic hot-and-cold game. They tried desperately to find something shameful in my past that they could later use against me. But they found nothing, because I had always lived cleanly. So instead, they tried to force me into situations that would make me ashamed, so they could blackmail me for the rest of my life and keep me under their control.

They went so far that they even tried to implant certain trigger words into my mind so they could manipulate my reactions whenever they wanted.

They tried everything.

But do you know what saved me?

My faith. My family values. My strength of character. My love for people. My love for books.

None of their methods worked. Eventually, they had no choice but to give up.

That period became a brutal training for me. I lost everything. I was isolated, abandoned, with no friends, no family nearby, nothing to rely on. One dear friend died, another became seriously ill, and twice I nearly lost my own life.

For almost two years, I walked through life like a ghost. I nearly lost my mind.

And who saved me then?

God.

He performed a miracle in my life. He showed me a love so immense that I will never forget it. He took me to this place beyond this world, together with my friend who had died. That place was filled with a love unlike anything I had ever felt. I was so happy there that I never wanted to leave.

But I was pulled back to Earth. I remember crying because I did not want to return. I wanted to stay there forever.

Still, He filled me with His love and sent me back.

So you see, what you and your group did to me was nothing compared to what I had already survived. It was only a lighter version of my past.

I stayed longer than I should have because I wanted to see how far you would go. And the harder you pushed, the more distance created between us.

But in the end, I was disappointed.

Do you know why?

Because there was no depth, no elegance, no intelligence in your games. Everything felt low, predictable, and miserable. Watching it unfold felt like watching a poorly written soap opera — too obvious, too repetitive, too easy to understand.

You are not truly good at being evil, and I will tell you why.

Because you seek safety in patterns.
Because you lack self-confidence.
Because you are lonely.
Because you lack culture and self-awareness.
Because you need control over everything.
Because of your stubbornness and pride.
Because deep down you are terrified of insecurity and constantly need validation.
Because you desperately crave unconditional love.

And because, in your essence, you are actually a good person.

The “bad boy” mask simply does not suit your soul.

What you truly need to do is too simple: believe in yourself and believe in God. Let life flow naturally. Stop asking everyone else what to do. Listen to your own heart.

You already carry the answers inside you.

And when you cannot find them, ask God. He will guide you.

You see, after everything that happened, I still believe in you. I cannot fully explain why. I just feel so.

Because my soulmate cannot be an evil person, maybe?

My soul recognized yours before we even met, and the moment my hand touched yours, I was sure of it.

My beloved echo in the hollow of my heart,

It is surprising how someone with such remarkable communication skills could destroy our relationship so completely that no reconciliation now seems possible.

The only thing I feel is a growing sense of relief with each day that passes without any sign from you. And for that, I thank you — for keeping the distance that protects my peace and my boundaries.

I am grateful that God brought you into my life, because through you I came to understand something deep within my soul: I had always dreamed of finding my soulmate. And in His great wisdom — and perhaps His sense of humor — He chose for me someone profoundly broken.

You made me realize that Hollywood love stories rarely have happy endings in real life, and that a soulmate is not necessarily someone who brings happiness or peace.

I hope you and all your loved ones are well. My best wishes to everyone.

Confession 1

You never asked about my childhood or my family. You didn’t even know I have a sister.

Yes, I am the way I am because of my family. I carry wounds from them that have never fully healed.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who also has some narcissistic traits.

That is why I always loved and saw my grandmother as my true mother. She was the only person in my life who cared about me. She was like a living saint. When she prayed, you could feel God beside you, and the room seemed filled with light.

Somehow, my heart remained there—in her old house and courtyard. My favorite childhood memory is a sunny morning when I was about ten years old. I woke up and saw her running around the courtyard, taking care of her animals. In that moment, I realized I had to cherish and appreciate it, because I would never have it again. And I did. I just stood there, watching, breathing in the happiness.

Since then, I’ve learned to appreciate the present and to thank God for every minute of life He gives me. She taught me that—my dear spiritual mother.

From my real parents, all I received was pain, loneliness, and struggle. I had to endure emotional abuse every day while trying to protect my mental health.

That is why my soul is like a turtle—I built myself a protective shell. Whenever I sense even the smallest threat, I retreat into it. You once asked me why we can’t be like “normal” people. This is why. Every time I felt even the slightest threat from you, I pulled away. And for me, reopening my soul afterward is almost impossible. It’s an unconscious defense mechanism I can’t overcome—a survival strategy I developed in childhood.

I was never truly loved or cared for. I had no one to talk to. When I had problems, I would close myself in my room and cry. But most of the time, I kept myself constantly busy so I wouldn’t have to think about myself.

You once told me I have a rare strength. I had to develop that strength to survive. My sister couldn’t, and she is emotionally broken. She never fully recovered.

So I am grateful for the knowledge I gained from books, which helped me understand myself and others, and make sense of my trauma. I had to face all of this alone. I never talked about it with anyone—not even my husband, who is my best friend. Even he doesn’t fully know my past or my traumas. I’ve always felt it was useless to talk about. It is in the past. I have the present to live and enjoy.

And I am at peace with my childhood. It made me who I am. I learned a lot from it, especially how to understand people—their souls and the way they think.

So when I recognized some of those traits from my family in you, I wanted to run. But at the same time, I felt a strong desire to understand you better—and maybe help you heal. I could feel the depth of your wounds and the struggle you face every day.

I wanted to become your place of peace, and for you to become mine. But I was also afraid. That’s why, whenever I sensed even the slightest threat from you, I pulled away. It would take me time to recover and open up again. And when I did, I gave myself completely, knowing I might get hurt again.

I let go of my own protection to try to create a safe place for both of us. It was meant to be a shield for two. But you never wanted it.

And when I felt I had reached my limits, I had to let go.

Deal with the truck of life!

I remember the day my grandmother died—my spiritual mother, as I called her. I was grieving deeply, and you told me: Deal with the truck of life!

Sounded like you knew my soul and you were talking directly to it. It had a great impact on me, I was truly amazed.
I felt like a new chapter of my life was beginning.

Meeting you was such a blessing. I still remember every moment—every small conversation, every smile, every glance. But I also remember our last talk, sadly, and I realise I still haven’t gotten over it. It hurts deeply. It always will, unless you show that you are truly sorry.

Still, there was a blessing in meeting you, because it made me grow. Every day I learn new things about myself, going deeper into my own mind, improving who I am. And yet, I lost so much—most importantly, my fire. I had this fire inside me, this great love, but now it has transformed. It feels more like an energy. I feel things much more deeply now, as if I can hear people’s thoughts, step into their souls, and feel what they feel—especially when they are in pain. They open themselves to me so suddenly. But this gift comes with a lot of pain.

The day before yesterday, when I returned to the country, no one was waiting for me at the airport. I was making plans in my head about how to get home. On one hand, I regretted being too proud to call someone to pick me up, especially since I had a large, heavy bag with no wheels. On the other hand, I wanted to be independent and handle it myself. So I decided to take the train—the most humble way to travel, like ordinary people.

As I was about to leave, I met a friend who was also preparing to leave the airport. He offered to take me home. And since I don’t believe in coincidences, I thanked God for His gentle care of His servant. But of course, it wasn’t just a simple act of help.

This man, a foreigner, began talking about how much he missed his family. As he spoke, I felt as if I could see his bare soul—so full of sadness and loneliness that it brought me to tears. The feeling was so intense that I had to make a great effort to hide my crying from him.

Then today, I met a woman I don’t see very often. Suddenly, she began talking about her problems, and once again, something deep inside me was touched. I felt her pain and sadness so vividly that I couldn’t recover for the rest of the day.

And yet, because we are no longer together, a part of me feels missing. Something inside me is broken—or gone; I can’t quite tell. There is a void. I can no longer feel life in its fullness as I once did. The joy of life has faded.

The only moments I truly feel now are those in which I carry other people’s pain on my shoulders. I pray for the whole world, for all those who suffer, asking to take their pain upon myself. Somehow, I feel I can carry it.

This has convinced me once again that I have a monk’s soul. I pray and wish for the suffering of others to come to me, trusting that God will ease it and take care of them.

And somehow, I have come to understand—though it is still hard to accept—that I had to sacrifice our love for this. God needs me for other purposes: to focus my energy on others and on my family.

And speaking of family, I have also realized that I must protect them at all costs. We need to stay united and care for one another more than ever. Even the smallest crack can affect us deeply. Our family is what gives us our daily strength and peace.

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Never look back

There is this say: Never look back unless you want to see how far you have come.

No, I am not coming back, never. In case you are still hoping for that, no I am not. The universe said his last word. We were never meant to be together.

But now, when we are away from each other, somehow our love is growing more. And I prefer things to remain like this.

It was so hard to leave when I loved you most, but you gave me no options. The gap between us was so large. I pushed to my limits to pull us closer back, to start again, from scratch. But instead of pulling it, you took the scissors and cut it. And now it is growing back. And will stay forever. And is fine like this, even if we are not feeling so, together would be worse.

And I knew it. I knew it for a while that this day will come. That is why I lived and enjoyed fully every minute together, like it was the last one. Because I knew our time was ending. And I knew that slow distancing was making it easier.

You will always be the open wound in my heart and the curing balm.

You will always be the endless river of tears and the endless smiles.

You will always be my last thought in evening and my first in morning.

You will always be my stars and my moon.

You will always be my best friend and the worst traitor.

You will always be the main character in my writings.

My dream and my nightmare, my strength and my weakness, my fire and my water, my heaven and my hell, my soulmate and my stranger.

I LOVE YOU TO MY LAST BREATH,

MY FOREVER AND NEVER

Prayer

Dear God,

Oh, how I miss him—how I can love him and hate him at the same time.
Every day, I remember our little moments, good and bad, and I both smile and cry.
My memories return with every object, every second.

How long will he keep living in my heart? I want this to come to an end—please take him out of it, I beg You.
Please erase my memory. I want to forget everything. I want my peace back.

I am so grateful that I no longer have to see him, and that I have at least managed to overcome this trial physically.
Please help him stop thinking about me, so maybe I can stop thinking about him too.

Why do You keep allowing these feelings to torment me—feelings that seem to do nothing but drain my love for You?
What will I do when the fasting ends? I cannot be with anyone else except him.

How much longer will my faith be tested?
My thoughts should be only about You. Why do I feel abandoned by You?

Every day is a battle with my own mind, to keep my thoughts focused only on You.
Is this a trial preparing me for greater struggles ahead?

Every evening, I look at the stars, thinking about him, hoping that he is doing the same and thinking of me.

Chimera

The love between a man and a woman that we search for all our lives is a chimera. It exists only in our minds. The attraction and all the feelings are projections of what we imagine it should be. The only real love is the one for God. And this love is so real that, if we pay attention, we can feel it every day in our lives. With the help of prayer and fasting, we can succeed in silencing all other feelings. Any other small thought must be cut from the root; we are not supposed to allow it to remain in our minds. The more you give in to it, the more it will conquer your mind and take away your peace and joy.

If there is something in your life that is taking away your peace and keeping your mind occupied, it is not from God, so it must be removed immediately, without mercy, from the very beginning. This was my mistake, and I understand it now.
So it is best to use that energy for other purposes, like finding a hobby—preferably one that involves your hands and body. This will help keep your mind busy and away from unwanted thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if the decline of the family in society has something to do with this—with comfort. Our lives are so easy and indulgent that we always want more; we keep thinking, making plans, and imagining a better future. Modern society offers so many opportunities that we end up getting lost in them—just like in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

You didn’t believe in my innocence, in my love, in my resilience, in my faith, in my loyalty, in my intelligence, in my pride, in my rationality, or in my ability to read you like a book—and in my power to leave forever.

Because I have such a deep inner life and a storm of emotions, I have found ways to channel that energy into constructive paths. That is why I remain rational and logical—because of the intensity within me. I must hide my emotions in a deep drawer of my mind, while still preserving kindness and empathy, although I have also learned to regulate their intensity. I have developed strong self-control; I can even make myself believe what I choose. If I tell myself that I don’t love you, I will be certain of it. If I tell myself I will erase you from my mind, I will manage it. Because it is not worth keeping in your heart or mind someone who betrayed you, wished you harm, and left you in pain at your worst. Such a person never truly loved you—that is not love. And I left when I loved you most, because I understood that. I also choose not to respond when provoked; I will never lower myself beneath my standards to your level. I forgive you, anyway, and I pray for you and for everyone around you.

I don’t feel like talking about our love anymore. I want this painful chapter to be forgotten for good.
My best days are here, and I will keep protecting everything I have built over time with so much effort. Our story made me understand that I must cherish and appreciate my life—it is so special, rare, and precious. We are truly blessed.

And the more I think, the more I realize that I was completely misunderstood. I also contributed to that, intentionally, to some extent—and the universe did the rest. Because I wanted to be appreciated and loved at my worst. I didn’t allow you to know the real me. I showed you a diminished version of myself, and you misjudged me. I haven’t changed; I haven’t become a different person. It is still me. I have simply closed my soul again. It was opened only once in my whole life—to you. And you stepped on it, dragging it through the dirtiest mud, and crushed it with sharp iron boots.

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Conclusions

The last time I wrote, I had one more thing to add. I smiled at you also because I was glad to look in your eyes and see you suffering a little.

And that b(w)itch which is your dear lover and friend, yes, your father’s wife… she will suffer more than anybody. I waited to see how much down are you going. I knew who you were from the beginning but I never expected for you to go so low. And how could you imagine I will ever decrease my standards to your level?

I must precise one thing: I am not hating any of you, I hate your actions.

According to this world’s laws, you have two options:

1. You are going to be sorry for everything you did to me and to my close ones and to other previous people before us. And this I mean for both you and all your group of people, including your wife which is not innocent from all this.

2. You are not going to be sorry, and then be ready to stand the consequences. You already started to feel that. Everything you built with so much calculations and plans is demolishing piece by piece. Isn’t it?

And I am sitting here watching. Did you think you can mess with God?

Did you really think I am so stupid and naive? I was only being kind and loving. And I am always like this with everyone. I am giving also many chances to people, warnings, to become better, and when I see no improvement, I am leaving.

I was suspecting you, or the b(w)itch for using witchcraft, but paying 23000 euro for a witch to kill me? Isn’t this too much? But you weren’t expecting I have strong protection and can’t affect us, you can’t touch me or my family.

Remember that day we went all together (me, you, the witch and your father) in the DIY shop, and you went with her in the toilets? I knew, I was standing there with your father and couldn’t even cry and be angry. I just stood there trying to be strong and ignore all of it. And every morning when you were going to her and then coming to work after that. I had same feeling of vomit. And I still loved you despite all that.

And hiring a private detective to search my life for dirty secrets? How insane is that?

And putting someone to steal my money from account?

But, you know that your powers are gone. I broke the spell of the magic that you were putting on people. Now you are powerless and weak. Is over. I did my duty. This was the scope of all our story. Now is clear everything, and is time for me to move on, because I accomplished successfully my task. But I will keep watching and intervene if necessary.

My conclusion is, that there is a lot of money in the middle, that you and your group are fighting for and I am a big discomfort for all of you. Am I destroying your richness and power plan? It will be destroyed, from inside, when you will start betraying each other. God will take care of your plans.

I am fine. I found my peace and happiness…everyday is a miracle from God and I thank him for all the blessings he is giving me and I am not even worthy.

But, please, I am begging you one more time, please stop all this circus and turn back to being a good person. Go church and ask forgiveness, don’t go further, you will pay too much. Your sick child is the proof that God started already to punish you and it will get worse. Please stop this, all of you.

I will pray for you to find peace and forgiveness.

I send you all my blessings and love.

Just a short one.

Yesterday, when we met and it felt like we had stopped being angry with each other, I realized something. It was the first day in a long time that I smiled and behaved again like a foolish woman in love—just like I used to when we were together. And I must admit, I didn’t like that.

I felt vulnerable, ashamed, and helpless around you again. My guard is so weak when I’m next to you. I need to take some distance, or I might fall for you again.

Clarifications

You have to understand, once and for all, that I am not into any games, chasing you, or whatever hidden moves you think I am making. Stop interpreting my words and my actions through your own lens.

I told you from the beginning that I am different. You cannot predict my actions or my thinking—and you never will—because my life is guided by God and my heart. The only thing you can be certain about is my feelings: my love for people, for you, for God, for truth, and for purity.

I kept those stupid applications open only for you, because you needed to feed your ego. But I wasn’t paying much attention to them. I don’t have time to follow social media or silly online games. Every time I distance myself from you, it hurts you—that’s why I stayed. But if you accuse me of playing games, then I have to stop. I’m sorry, but I’m not into this. And you cannot accuse me of something that was unintentional. I’m not saying this to excuse myself—just so you understand. I have nothing to prove or to show to anyone. Because my intentions will always match my words.

If I want to tell you something, I will tell you directly, face to face, not even on the phone. If I want to see you, I will tell you. Nothing will ever change that—I will always be straightforward about what I have to say, not through hidden signals or silly codes. And if you want to see me, you have to call me, because I will not come to see you again without a serious reason, except for work.

You cannot play with my mind, because my mind is focused on prayer, which gives me clarity.

Yes, you can hurt me. And you know what? I lie on the bathroom floor every day and cry for an hour because I miss you. My heart feels like it’s been stabbed with a thousand knives. But this helps me release the pain and survive without you. After that, I get up smiling, stronger, and more powerful. And neither you nor anyone else will ever see that pain in my eyes—because I will not give you that satisfaction. You will only see detachment.

You didn’t understand that I have been done with this story for a long time.

When I said I wanted to talk, I meant really TALK—to have a normal conversation, clear things up, stop leaving wounds open, and learn to heal and forgive each other. To meet like normal people—like friends. Because, for some illogical reason, I still need you in my life.

Do you still think I would destroy my faith for you? That was a long time ago. It’s finished for good. I chose me and my inner peace. Check the previous messages and call me when you are single.

What you don’t understand—and probably never will—is that you are being used by people. They feed your ego and your desires, and they use you for their own benefit. You have a way of attracting them, and you keep listening to their nonsense. I feel sorry for you. I couldn’t stand being in your place even for one day. It’s taking away your peace and confusing you. You need to make a change in your life and remove those people for good.

You need to find your inner self, but you cannot do that without purity, struggle, and God’s help. There is a real fight for your soul. I told you this before. The soul of a single human being is so precious that both angels and demons fight for it. And God sent His own Son to die for that soul. You need to start searching for God—go to church, be kind and good—and you will find the love and strength you are desperately looking for. Just do it, and things in your life will slowly begin to improve. I see your struggle and pain every day. I can feel your thoughts, your suffering, and your anger.

I’m telling you this as someone who loves you deeply and wants the best for you. I love you freely, without expecting anything in return—not even your love. It hurts me to see that you are not okay.

I see how public your love life is, and it’s hard to understand. It’s clear that you think you look strong by having an affair with other men’s partners (even your father’s), and you boast about it. But that is not power, and you have not earned their respect. They encourage that behavior because it benefits them and keeps you trapped.

Now, a few words for those people:
You keep following our private lives, trying to manipulate, scare, and hurt us. You cannot manipulate me the way you manipulate him—that’s why you are trying to keep us apart. But I warn you: don’t mess with me. I can see through your cheap tricks and childish games. If you continue, my patience will run out, and I may become someone you won’t recognize. I am capable of playing those games too—I just choose not to, because I live by real values and have better things to do. I am stubborn, and when someone blocks my path, I will fight to overcome it. For now, I am simply amused. Sometimes I am bored, and your silly plans make me laugh. Thank you for that. I ignore you and let life and your own conscience deal with you—but don’t push me too far.

And stop sending me that superficial psychology content—it’s annoying. Psychology is not found in social media, and not even fully in books. Books can guide you, give definitions and labels, but real psychology is much deeper and more complex. You understand it through real life—through observing how intricate and beautiful the human mind truly is.

I may write more about this one day.

So, in conclusion: be good, find real values in life, follow God’s guidance and your heart, and you will never lose. And don’t forget—whether I show up or not, and even if I never contact you again—I will always be here for you. I will love you until I die, because what we have is real and precious.

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The Word (Logos)

The universe itself has been created with the Word, as described at the beginning of the Bible:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
— John 1:1 (NIV)

We take our words and the gift of speech so lightly.

But what if we knew that every word we say continues to live forever? Because words do have their own life; they carry their own energy. Each one holds a certain power, creating reactions wherever it lands.

Words can heal, offer comfort, or destroy in a single moment.

If we were more careful with what we say, perhaps we would speak far less.

And Jesus said: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:37)

Yet every day I feel how easily we take this gift of speech for granted and misuse it.

The harsh words you once told me keep coming back in my mind. I sometimes feel they will never truly disappear; they return like an echo in my ears, again and again.

I made mistakes, and I will keep doing so. You made mistakes too. It hurts, but it clears the mind. We are not perfect, yet we are perfect for each other. Even our fights feel somehow they were meant to be, because were real.

And now, even from a distance, I feel that we continue to grow simply because we once met. Our worlds were shaken and revealed, like a river cleansing itself in spring after a long frozen winter. All the dirt rises to the surface and is carried away, until only the clean, pure water remains.

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that after all this time the same person still lives in your thoughts—when you fall asleep, when you wake up, even in your dreams, night after night.

I once told you about our astrological compatibility report, and I remember its main points very clearly: that we are obsessed with each other, that we are soulmates, and that our relationship carries a healing and growing energy. Even though I have known this for a long time, it still frightens me. It keeps me holding back, creating distance between us, while at the same time something inside me feels helplessly drawn toward you.

Weekends and evenings are the most difficult, when you are left alone with your thoughts. That is when the emptiness appears, and the pain of missing you becomes deep and sharp, like a knife piercing the heart.

I know we are not finished. Perhaps we never truly will be. Still, part of me wished for one last conversation—to bring all our feelings to the surface and clear them honestly and purely. But I also know we might only wound each other again.

That is why I feel a strange sense of relief every time we do not meet.

15 * Fifteen years

Yes, my love, this is the required period of penance for adultery: 15 years without receiving the Eucharist.

I can’t handle that anymore. I’ve already gone through it once before, for six years.

Now, during this fasting period, it is a great time for confession, reflection, and prayer.
Which I’ve been doing lately. I went to confession on Friday, and on Saturday I received the Eucharist. It was such a great joy and relief. Only someone who is going through it can truly understand the deep peace and joy that fills the soul in that moment.

I’ve done some research and also spoke again with my priest about us. He is completely against this situation. Still, he said there is only one possible way if we truly want to be together: first, both of us would need to divorce, with the bishop’s blessing. After that, we could marry—but only after a period of preparation, with fasting, confession, and repentance, and without any physical relationship before the wedding.

Even in this case, from what I have been reading—especially in the writings of Saint Basil the Great—it is still considered a great sin, especially for a woman, to leave her man and go to another one. He says it will always be considered adultery.

And all of this is written by a woman whose dream is to become a nun when her youngest child turns 18. A woman who has not been physically attracted to anyone—a nun at heart—until you appeared and turned her entire life upside down in a single moment, touching her soul.

I dreamed about you last night too, and it was a funny dream. I was poor and humble, in an outdoor place, washing dishes. It looked like the garden of a hotel, and I was about 40 meters away from the building. Suddenly I saw your car arriving. It was a new one, gorgeous. You got out of it looking so handsome, and you seemed so successful and radiant—everything about you was shining and bright. And I was just so happy to see you, so proud of you. Seeing that you were fine and happy filled my soul with joy. I just watched you from afar, quietly. Like a guardian angel… someone who can always be there for you.

Ruined castle

I am tired. Everyday trying to be strong, to fight. For my children, I have to survive you. The pain that you are near and we can’t meet. The pain that you don’t care and you always push me away. I have nothing remained. My soul is just empty like a ruined castle. Sometimes I just wish I was dead, so I don’t feel any more this pain, and then I think about my poor children, they need me so much.

I was watching the movie adaptation of Orhan Pamuk’s The Museum of Innocence, and I was like seeing my own heart reflected on the screen—every memory, every longing, felt familiar.

I really don’t believe in us anymore, I lost hope totally. I tried not to.

And you, don’t stop, just keep making me suffer. With all your games. I am so tired of all these, of you hiding, more and more, every day, new old games, new old underground messages. I have accepted it, you don’t love me. I must train my mind to let go this. But it simply isn’t going. It hurts more everyday, not less, as I expected. Tears are my daily sleep pills. Pain is my companion.

What kind of curse brought you in my life?

How could you imagine that I would ever harm you or your closed ones? You really don’t know me at all? Can’t you read my humiliated soul? How much harm you did to it and continue doing it for free? And still loves you like there is no one else existing in this world?

Can’t you see that you destroyed everything beautiful between us and you keep doing it?

How can you still go on in this pattern which I am escaping from because it hurts? When will you start acting different and show you really care? I really lost my hope. You made it.

You can’t leave someone you love broken and humiliated everyday for almost three years. This game came to absurd limits, draining me. I don’t know any more how you feel, I don’t feel you any more, because I am too busy with myself fighting to be alright. But I feel you found someone, and you don’t want us. And is better. I just want you to be happy. I must shrink to let you live your life.

Tears are relief. Sleep is forgetting. Work is detachment. Children are joy. Morning is struggle. Friends are comfort. Nature is balm. God is hope.

I want you to know this.

Just like I said, we met in the wrong place and at the wrong time. And try, just for a moment, to put yourself in my shoes. I am always the one coming into your territory — your space, your family, your people. I am always completely out of my comfort zone.

I could explain, pointing to all our problems, but I think you already know them.

We are so opposite and so alike at the same time. Our souls feel the same. Definitely, we are some kind of soulmates. We share identical thoughts, a strange telepathy, the same sensitivity, the same wounds. We see each other’s bare souls, and somehow, we heal one another.

Now, the things that stand between us are these:

1. Environment and culture

Our environments and cultures are very different. I will tell you how I see things, and forgive me if I am wrong.

I am surrounded by close friends — religious, kind, joyful, soft and warm people who focus on helping others, reading, talking about God, books, parenting, travel. We often have deep conversations, growing together, sharing thoughts about books, movies, philosophy, and our concerns about life and society. Charity is part of our rhythm. We are deeply spiritual, but also cheerful and fun. We have beautiful parties — nothing wild, just simple joy. Even our work connections revolve around church, monks, and priests.

In your environment, there is a strong material component — pride, physical desire, sexuality. You chase adrenaline and intense sensations, sometimes even revenge. There are mixed relationships with questionable people. I see anger, distrust, lust, and money moving around you like currents.

2. Values

I am searching for deep spiritual evolution, towards God, taking the saints as my example. I am focused on others. In Orthodoxy, you must let go of your ego completely. Surrender everything. No love in your soul should be greater than the love for God — not even the love for your children or family. You must be willing to sacrifice everything in His name. Asceticism is essential. It means surrender.

As Seraphim Rose explained:

“Everything in this life passes away — only God remains, only He is worth struggling towards. We have a choice: to follow the way of this world… or to choose the way of life, to choose God Who calls us and for Whom our heart is searching.”

I will not speak about your values. You can look at them yourself.
This was one of our very first conversations, if you remember.

3. Life background

We both have a past. Not an easy one. Both of us were deeply hurt by the people we loved, or by others. But from that point, our paths separated.

I chose to keep my inner child. I chose peace. I chose to continue trusting and loving people, no matter how many times they disappoint or break me. Sometimes they abuse my kindness — and strangely, I am at peace with that. I imagine a box in Heaven, and for every act of goodness, a diamond appears inside. So I keep filling my treasure box. The more they hurt me, the more diamonds I collect.

You chose anger. You chose protection. You chose to hide your vulnerability behind strength and distance. But you cannot truly trick anyone with that. On the surface you seem powerful, but people can feel the wound beneath. Predators smell blood from far away. And yes — you are still bleeding.

I want to help you heal. As a friend or as a lover — whatever God allows. But I am not sure if it is right for me to be so involved. Healing a soul is a great responsibility. It belongs to God, or to a saint. The borders are thin, and I am not pure enough to see them clearly.

With you, I become too involved. I lose my balance. How can I help you if I cannot always hold myself steady? Sometimes I feel I am getting lost in your darkness — shy, scared, unsure of the next step. And what if you open your soul to me, and I fail you?

If you trusted me more and stayed close in the right way, I could show you what true strength is. You are strong not when you fight everything, but when your soul is attached to nothing except God. When you place your whole life in His hands and stop overthinking. His words are simple, clear, and deep.

As Constantin Brâncuși said:
“Simplicity is the essence of complicated things.”

You have a special talent for making your life heavier through overthinking and worry. You search for a deep love. You need to feel loved. I told you many times that you will never find it — but I forgot to finish the sentence. The love you are searching for exists, but not in a woman’s arms. It exists in God. He is the only one who can give you the unconditional love, peace, and strength you long for.

If sometimes I seem detached, it is not because I do not love you. It is because I trust what He chooses for me, even when it hurts, even when I do not understand.

There is a long story about how I came to God and to Orthodoxy — but that belongs to another chapter.

4. Present lives

The first and greatest problem is our partners.

Mine and I are separated, yet still living in the same house — he in the attic, I on the ground floor. We remain friends. I speak to him about you because I miss you and have no one else to talk to. It hurts him, but he understands — until he loses control. And that creates danger.

One day I was so afraid that I promised him I would never see you again. I lied. But that fear remains. I am afraid he could hurt you or your family.

He says he will not move until he knows that the children and I are safe and that he has done everything possible to save the marriage. He gave me one month — until Easter — to clarify things with you, without intimacy. After Easter, if we are certain, he promised to leave.

Yours… I see deep love and care there. She makes compromises to save your marriage, even accepting things that wound her. That is what loving women do. And you are comfortable in that space. You are afraid that with me you would not have that comfort.

Yes, I am possessive with you. I have never been like this before. It is new and it drives me crazy. I love you with a passion that burns me slowly. With my husband, I never felt this fire. When I suspected him of cheating, I wanted truth — to fix it, or to let him go if it was real love. Always rational.

5. Future

You are possessive too. You want me entirely — every minute. But that affects my children, my work, my social life, my charity. I am used to loving everyone. Would you accept that? You would always be third — after God and my children. That is the only place available.

Right now, a passionate love does not fit easily into my life. To choose it, I would have to give up everything. And if I did, I would ask the same of you. We would have to fight the world together.

There are two paths: the dark, chaotic one — rushing together, intimacy first, plans later — or the good one: fasting, prayer, blessing from a priest, marriage, and only then union. It sounds almost funny when I write it. But faith, church, confession, communion — these are non-negotiable for me. Everything else can grow naturally.

I was listening to Jung’s theory about soulmates, and it made me think that sometimes God brings two people together for a higher purpose — to serve Him, to create something meaningful, to make the world better. If that is why we met, I am ready. I even see strange signs — small symbols that feel like messages.

6. Games and interests

I never played with you or your feelings. Sometimes I reacted foolishly, yes, especially when I felt you did not trust me. I felt in danger — as if you wanted an affair you could later blame on me, or an easy escape if it failed. Tell me if I am wrong.

I never used you — not for money, not for advantage. If it was about money, you paid me too little; I worked almost like for charity because I wanted to learn.

If it was for knowledge — yes, your brilliant mind fascinated me. But that was not strategy. You seduced me with your intelligence. I fell in love twice: once at first sight, and again when I truly knew you.

Sometimes I stepped back so you could lead, and I was proud watching your confidence grow. I saw you shining. I made myself smaller so you could stand taller. It hurt when I was not acknowledged, even if I never asked for praise.

When my silence — which was only fear and confusion — was taken as rejection, I saw your dark side. It frightened me. Then came anger. Then revenge. Our love became a hidden battlefield. And when you did not stop, I chose to end the madness and walk away.

Since I met you, there has been no other man in my life. I accepted my husband only as compromise. He always knew my heart was not his. Yes, I tried small jealous games — giving attention elsewhere — but nothing beyond that. I cannot cheat. My body feels blocked. I belong to you, whether I fight it or not. It feels like a spell I cannot break.

As for money — it is irrelevant. It comes and goes. One day it exists, another day it disappears. My idol is Mother Gavrilia, who lived without money. I see money more as a burden than a blessing — simply a compromise with the world.

Now, I do not want to sound dramatic. This is simply me — with all my flaws.

No matter whether we end up together or not, I am yours for life in the way souls recognize each other. I will always be here if you need me. I will always miss you fiercely. And if one day you hear that I have passed away, remember this — that before my last breath, I whispered your name.

Let Me Introduce Myself

My darling, my love —
how can I explain myself so that you may finally understand?

For more than two years you have rejected me, pushed me away, wounded me in ways both loud and silent.
Every day was a battle just to come and see you — to see you with her.
To watch you plan holidays together, prepare birthday surprises, share lunches, laughter, friends, family… an entire life unfolding before my eyes.

And I —
I stood there like a humble stranger.
An outsider.
Worth two pennies.
Taken for granted. Dismissed. Humiliated.

I carried my love in silence —
in loneliness, in tears, in pain, in whispered prayers.
I woke up crying and fell asleep the same way.
Every morning I gathered the broken pieces of myself, stitched them back together, and stepped outside pretending to be strong. Pretending to be happy.

Every single morning, for more than two years.

Before opening the door, I would hesitate.
Should I go today?
And then I would take a deep breath, make the sign of the cross, whisper a prayer — and move forward.

Meanwhile, my world was falling apart elsewhere.

I was facing separation from my husband — his breakdowns, his jealousy, his anger.
A priest advised him not to leave the house, to fight with everything he had to keep our family together. And so he fights.

I chose to stay, in part to protect you and your family. I am afraid of what pain he could cause, of what despair can become. And he, too, does not deserve destruction. In his own way, he is protecting what he believes is his.

I faced my children’s hurt — their silence, their blame.
They felt abandoned, lonely. It showed in their schoolwork, in their sadness.
And still, I carried everything alone.

My faith trembled. My confessor told me this was temptation, that it would pass, that I must end this once and for all.
Everyone told me to end it.

At night, nightmares came. Devils surrounded me in my dreams.
Sometimes, even you stood among them.

And yet — somehow — God carried me.
He gave me an island of peace.

My children’s embraces became my salvation.
Their voices calling me the best mother in the world.
My friends standing beside me.
My work consuming my days — saving me from drowning in my own thoughts.
I poured my soul into it. And when people thanked me, when problems were solved, I felt a small light return inside me.

And still — despite everyone, despite everything, sometimes even despite you — I chose you.

You told me many times to leave.
But I always came back.

Being near you was like a drug: you know it burns you, but for one brief moment it makes you feel alive. And you crave that moment desperately.

Each time you left, it felt like a knife in my chest.
I would sit at home and cry — again and again — missing you beyond reason.

And you —
what did you ever do for us?

You took me to hidden places — not even a hotel — and then blamed me because I would not sleep with you.
Let me say this one last time: I am not a woman to be bought in shadows.
Especially not by a man who does not honor me.

Not one single day did I feel your love fully.
Only fragments.
Small pieces of a puzzle I had to assemble alone.

Whenever I dared to step beyond the safe borders of “colleagues,” you warned me.
You spoke of protecting your family — and I respected that. I even admired it.
I never wanted to destroy your marriage. I told you that.

So how dare you now say that I did not love you?

When I came back again — breaking things off once more at home, facing fresh storms, worse than before — because I realized I could not live without you.

And what waited for me?
Your rejection.

How do you expect me to return as if nothing happened?
After you repeated, again and again, that I must stay within limits? After you stopped answering my calls?

Yet you ask me to come back.
As if nothing broke.
And you blame me for being heartless because I cannot forgive so easily.

You say you gave up.
Gave up on what?
You never truly tried. You always waited for me to make the move. And now you give me also a deadline.

And still — unbelievably — I tried once more.

You said we should reset. Start from zero. Wipe the blackboard of memory clean.
Introduce ourselves like strangers.

I found that beautiful.

So I stepped back. I gave time space to heal us.

I posted a car for sale — the same way we once met.
With another phone number.
I sent it to you. You were meant to call and ask to see it.

Why didn’t you?

In the end, I called you myself, asking if you were interested in buying the car.
You did not step into the game.

So next time we meet —
let us finally do it.

Let us introduce ourselves properly.

And when you ask my name,
call me
your soul flame.

Soul Mates

I made a search in YouTube for Soul Mates word to see what I can find, and there is this reading from CARL JUNG: How God Connects Two Soulmates That Are Destined for Each Other. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK06W6kmLIs

While listening to it, I reminded about our compatibility chart from the astrologer after a long time. And I read it again. Is so much similar. Now it all makes sense.

Listening to Jung’s theory, it helped me to understand myself more, our relationship, and all our feelings. And I realized that all of it is true, we are really soulmates, whether we like it, or admit it, or not. And this is not making things easier. Is draining me. Why? This is so much contrary to my religious beliefs, they don’t match. And is so hard to let it go. And you didn’t make things easier. You just pushed me far and it will be very hard the return. I feel that you miss me. I feel that you want me to come back. But loving you awakens something much older in me — something rooted in my childhood. And to explain that, I will tell you a story at the end. …

Now, in order to work this relationship, seems like both of us must let go everything, is like a purification, and that hurts like hell. To be together, I should give up about my life goal mainly, living for others. You keep telling me this since we met. I will explain you why I can’t.

Every morning, when I wake up, I pray:
“God, thank You for everything You have given me. Today again, I place my life in Your hands. I am Your servant. Let me do Your will.”

To reach this level, I had to pass through countless transformations. So now, whatever comes my way during the day, I accept. Sometimes I return home late. Sometimes I leave unexpectedly or answering calls in the middle of the night, or staying hours on the phone listening to random people telling their life stories or fears or problems. My family no longer asks questions. They trust that God guides and protects me.

My life is not directed by my plans. Whenever I tried to make plans, God gently laughed at them.

A day for me might begin with going out for a simple meeting — and on the way, I might encounter a beggar asking to be driven 200 kilometers to another city. You know my electric car barely covers that distance. And yet, I would take him. I would cancel everything else. I would not even consider the consequences. Because in that moment, I believe I am serving God Himself.

And that fills me with an indescribable joy — completing the tasks He places before me.

In this unpredictable — random for us, but never random for Him — romance and passion never had a place. They were not part of the design.

And then you came.

When you entered my life, everything intensified. God’s tasks seemed to grow more demanding. Extraordinary things began happening daily. And at the same time, you turned my world upside down. I had to bend, adjust, reshape myself.

I tried to save my marriage. I tried to forget you. I fought with all my strength to return to what was “normal.” But after pushing so hard, I realized something painful:

It is not working.

I cannot live without you. My heart aches for you every day. I feel you in every cell of my body. This connection does not resemble a fairy tale — it is not soft pink and peaceful. It is fire. It exposes our fears, our habits, everything we thought we were. It strips us bare, until only our souls remain — vulnerable, unmasked, pure. And Jung has really good answers to that. And is so freaking me.

As Christians, there is a high skill we are taught to discern carefully the fine line between temptation and truth. For so long, I believed this was merely a temptation — something to resist, something to surrender once so it would disappear forever.

But it did not disappear.

After more than two years of fighting, I see no purpose in fighting anymore. That is why I came back to you.

And I understand you now. If I had been in your place, I might have rejected me too — to protect myself from the pain this love brings. But I came to you with my heart completely open. I wanted you to understand that resisting what we feel has become useless. We must either accept it… or let it burn us from within.

I know you are afraid I will leave again. That I will change my mind.

No.

This time, it is real.

I will try to adapt to this new life — with you or without you. But I will not come back again unless you truly call me. Or unless life itself does.

For now, I have at least a month of intense work ahead. You will have your space.

P.S. The story I promised you.

There was once a young man in his twenties. He had two girlfriends — and the two women were friends, unaware that he was deceiving them both.

One day, he decided it was time to marry. Unable to choose, he brought both of their photographs to his mother and asked her to decide for him. She refused. The choice, she said, must be his.

So he chose the weaker one — the orphan, the fragile girl who seemed to need protection. He felt responsible for her.

But the other woman loved him deeply. After he left her, she sought him out several times, asking if he was truly certain of his decision. Even on the wedding day, just before the vows, she approached him once more and asked: “Is this truly what you want?”

He grew angry. He accused her of not letting go. He treated her harshly and ordered her to leave forever.

That man was my father.

Throughout my childhood, he told me this story again and again. He warned me never to be like that woman. “Never run after a man,” he would say. “Let him come to you.”

Perhaps that is why I never had a boyfriend until the middle of university. Many tried. But my silence, my restraint, confused them.

I broke that rule only once.

For you.

Today is about endings and beginnings.

I am sorry you are not part of this beginning.
And yet—ironically—fate keeps placing us closer, as all my new projects orbit your area. Don’t worry. My main occupation will be to avoid you.

You pushed buttons in me that should never have been touched—buttons with no return. There are places inside me that are sacred. I made a tremendous emotional effort to come the last time, only to offer you one final act of help. Once again, I stepped over myself—just as I had done hundreds of times before. This time, it was pure mercy. And pity, for having to look into your eyes.

I will explain the buttons you never had the right to push.

First.
I came to you having laid my pride at your feet. I placed myself—my entire life—into your hands and explained clearly what to do. That was the greatest proof of love and trust I could give. I am a proud woman, and I have never done this for anyone in my entire life.

What you failed to understand is this:
I have the right to lay down my pride.
You had no right to step on it.

You never reject, in that way, a real woman who loves you unconditionally—without interest, without gain, without agenda. She never returns.

That was the moment my boundaries were crossed. You crushed my pride, and you chose not to trust me.

As a final hint—one given with genuine concern—you have surrounded yourself with people who use you, manipulate you, and exploit your weaknesses for their own purposes. The ones you could truly trust, you overlook. Be careful. I am honestly worried for you.

Second.
What you say and what you do never align. Worse—you deny your own words. This is deeply disturbing. I have no reason to involve myself with someone so unreliable.

This is classic toxic behavior: lying, cheating, inventing an entire life and presenting it as perfect. But behind the curtain lies something dark—something even you might fear to face.

Strangely enough, my marriage is more real than yours. Mine is honest. I never hid my feelings for you from him. I never hid anything. I am honest to the point of cruelty. I know I am hurting him deeply—and I still choose honesty over deception.

Third—and this is the one I may never forgive.
One day, you will have to explain to me why I was not invited to the opening and the blessing service. I asked both you and your father to tell me when it would be. And I arranged it! I asked them for it! This is something I will never get over.

My tolerance is limited. I can forgive many things—but not this.

That place held my life and my soul. Seeing it completed would have been the greatest relief and happiness after more than two years of effort. Instead, you disappointed me one last time—and this time, it was immense.

I believed in you. And in one moment, you destroyed every excuse I had made for you. Every good thing I once saw in you, vanished, one by one.

Now, about the codes.
I never spoke of this before, and I want it written here.

I knew about the codes you shared with her—the ones you used to arrange your dates. I tested you. I told you that you were confusing me with her.

How could you think I would lower myself to such a level—to date you through childish codes and allow everyone to know?

There is one thing that stops me: dignity.
Aristocracy of character.

I will never go that low. If I were ever to cheat, I would be so careful that no one would ever know. But I knew long before about yours. A few days of observation were enough to understand everything. After that, the rest was just a game—to stop you, to pass the time when I was bored.

You made sure everyone knew about the codes and blamed me for them. You used me to cover yourself. What they don’t know is that those codes were simply the hours you scheduled your dates.

And now, my final confession.
I am deeply attracted to complex, dark, wounded psychological characters. I like to study souls in their deepest, most hidden places—where no one else dares to go.

From the very first second, this is what drew me to you.

I have a flaw: I love healing broken souls. And yours was screaming that it was in trouble. For a woman, caring for a wounded soul can feel natural—motherhood runs in our blood. And yes, I admit it was fascinating to watch your next move, to observe how you build your plans, how your mind works.

But don’t you know?
Your plans never work with me.

I warned you from the beginning that I am different. Sometimes you disappointed me—not because you hurt me, but because you failed to rise to the intelligence I believed you possessed. I pushed you to your limits and watched you hesitate, afraid to cross them. Then came the anger—at yourself, at me, at the world—and the excuses you invented just to survive. You believed them, because you needed them.

But healing you would cost me everything. I have children who need me. A career that demands me. A life that cannot be paused. Being near you pulled me away from all of that. To choose you would mean giving up almost everything—and that would require one essential change from you:

Honesty.

Our connection was psychological. I barely noticed how you looked. I didn’t care. I saw the beauty and complexity of your soul.

You call yourself a lonely wolf. Look at the Orthodox calendar—we met on the day of Saint Wolf. A coincidence so precise it’s unsettling. The symbol fits you perfectly.

My mistake was this:
I was not afraid of your bite.
And I didn’t walk away soon enough.

---

The Distance

There is such pain in the distance that separates us. What is this pain that never stops? What did I do to deserve it?
These days I have been thinking a lot about the past, trying to understand what really happened.

The conclusion I reached is that I truly don’t feel guilty about anything, because all I did was follow God’s word. He clearly showed me that we are not meant to be together. It is not His will. And He did everything He could to stop us. From the very beginning, He gave me one word: friendship. Do you remember when I gave you that quote from the Bible and told you to read it when you were alone? So you could feel it in your heart and mind. It is a profound quote about friendship.

It is Chapter 6 from The Wisdom of Jesus the Son of Sirach, or Ecclesiasticus.

[“14 A faithful friend is a strong defense.

He who has found him has found a treasure.

15 There is nothing that can be taken in exchange for a faithful friend. His excellency is beyond price.

16 A faithful friend is a life-saving medicine. Those who fear the Lord will find him.

17 He who fears the Lord directs his friendship properly; for as he is, so is his neighbor also.

18 My son, gather instruction from your youth up. Even when you have gray hair you will find wisdom.

19 Come to her as one who plows and sows and wait for her good fruit; for your toil will be little in her cultivation, and you will soon eat of her fruit.

20 How exceedingly harsh she is to the unlearned! He who is without understanding will not remain in her.

21 She will rest upon him as a mighty stone of trial. He won’t hesitate to cast her from him.

22 For wisdom is according to her name. She isn’t manifest to many.”]

And I feel so bad that I disappointed God and everyone by trying and wanting more. My feelings for you were never those of friendship. All this time, I have been fighting this temptation. Sometimes I became weak, exhausted from the battles, and I nearly fallen. Then I went to church to gain more strength.

I will keep this short today because I have to work. I just want to reach some conclusions.

First of all, I want you to know that I understand why you are blaming me, because I always considered this story as my own battle—my own feelings—alone. I never considered us as a team or a couple, because I never felt you that way. I always felt you were on another team. It is clear that you have been talking to people about this and not telling the whole truth, mostly blaming me.

So I took some distance, because I didn’t feel you next to me. Later, when I learned about your daughter’s sickness, I also took distance from you. I didn’t want to take advantage of your weakness. You had to stay close to your family, and the last thing you needed was someone interfering. I know you wanted me next to you and expected my support, but it wouldn’t have been fair.

Eventually, I was there—but in a very discreet and delicate way. And when your wife was leaving with the child to other cities for treatment, how could I come to your home and cheat? Cheat on a woman who was caring for her sick child? That truly was not the right time. And it is definitely not my style.

Her need was to have you next to her, and many times I felt you weren’t. That upset me and scared me. I was scared, first of all, because I put myself in her place, and I couldn’t imagine the pain she was going through. And second, I was scared to see how unreliable you could be—that you were coming to see me instead of being next to them. You simply ran away.

That was the first moment when I took distance from you. And I promised myself to stay there for you anyway—discreetly—until she got well, until I could see you happy again.

The second time I took distance was when you started a relationship with the other woman. I felt it as revenge on me because I didn’t agree to be with you. Actually, I almost did—my mind was so foggy and I was so deeply in love with you that I could accept anything. You didn’t really try, because of your lack of confidence. And I was too ashamed and too scared to make a move.

But she did, and you fell immediately. I was so upset because you were so weak that you could fall for the first bitch who opened her legs to you. You didn’t have the patience to wait for me or to fight for us. Then I saw that you didn’t stop and were getting deeper into this absurd story and the huge sins that she was pushing you into. I was feeling like there is this immense abyss which opened between us, and is getting larger everyday. So I started to fight you and tried to scare you both to give up. And I felt you were a team with her against me. And I was feeling your soul’s kneading through all this. And I was so deeply sorry for you, more than my anger, because I felt you were not happy, no peace, just a daily fight for your lust and desire for revenge. For a while, because of the anger I felt, I was very close to making the whole story public. That was more than a year ago. But I decided not to, to leave things to God to solve. Why? Because I don’t want to be the reason for more pain in you nor your family. All of us suffered enough,

And that day when you didn’t show up on your birthday and I learned you spent the entire morning with her, I was completely crushed, in so much pain. That day still hurts.

Anyway, to conclude—for now. I can’t write anymore today; I have a lot of work. The options are:

1. Easy way – We do nothing (your favorite). We let time heal and let fate decide what comes next. I will stay far away. I prefer not to see you—it hurts too much—and also because you asked for that.
2. Medium way – After some distance, we can try a restart as friends. I’m not sure if that’s possible. Eventually, we could make a schedule for texting or phone calls, maybe?
3. Hard way – If you really, truly want this and want to be together, we can start asking God to accept it. He has the keys. How do you do that? Fasting, praying, maybe going to a priest for advice. Because when you change your life, it must be a clean start. Otherwise, there will only be trouble later. This means you have to assume your decisions, be a very strong man, and stand against everyone and everything—honestly.

Which one are you?
Should I put a smiley face in here?

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My soul naked—always me.

I haven’t written to you for a while because I’ve been extremely busy with work. I’ve poured all my energy and passion into it, and I realized that I am actually following Freud’s principle of sublimation—or sexual transmutation—which means redirecting sexual energy towards something more constructive and meaningful. While working, I’ve been listening these days to an interesting YouTube channel called Indecepta, which discusses this subject. Listening to it has given me strength and motivation to continue my life in a positive direction and to focus on what truly matters to me: my children and my work.

My husband is still on hold, unfortunately. I couldn’t rebuild things with him. We are still separated, yet living in the same house. I see him suffering in silence, waiting for me—but I can’t move past it. I don’t even know if I ever will.

Anyway, I have decided that this year I will no longer waste my energy inefficiently. I will use it in the most productive and effective way. My only connection to my inner world—my old love, fears, and pain—will remain here, in what I write. Here, I will extinguish the inner fire that was consuming me and affecting my life on every level. In all other aspects, I will be completely practical and rational.

You chose this, and I will not push anymore. I will not try to change it. And if removing you entirely from my life—stopping seeing you altogether—serves my purpose best, then so be it. Yes, you can blame me: say that I don’t love you enough, that I am not unconditionally by your side, that I am proud or cold. Blame me—whatever. I don’t want to enter this discussion again. I have explained myself many times, and I am tired. I am tired of being crushed by your moods, your ego, and your fears. I believe I have proven my love, but when things become too chaotic, it is a sign that they must come to an end.

I still carry many open wounds, which I would like to heal by speaking to you openly—to clarify all the issues we never truly understood. I am still hoping (how foolish of me) that one day you will have the courage to stand in front of me and speak honestly. On the other hand, maybe it’s better not to happen, because I know what you would say, and it would hurt me even more. I see clearly how your fears and pride hold you back, how you keep inventing excuses so you can live comfortably with yourself. I am tired of searching for you—of being pushed away, then called back again, drawn in to start over, again and again, in this absurd game of love. I told you many times: I am not your toy.

All of this has been a lesson for both of us. I realized that all my calculations were absurd and foolish. How could I have imagined that I could be your mistress and simply ignore your wife? I forgot about God. I forgot my vows. Love truly blinds us sometimes. I wasn’t myself anymore. Every time I saw you, I felt like I was losing my sanity, damaging my inner balance for weeks afterward. Yet I always felt God close to me, always offering His hand. He sent me so many friends—more than I ever had before. They are close to my heart; they love me and appreciate me deeply. My friends supported me through all of this and showed me how to move forward, how to believe in myself, and how to be strong.

So, in conclusion, I choose to step back and protect my inner balance—because otherwise, I feel I am at risk of losing my life. And sometimes I feel that you wouldn’t even care if something happened to me.

There is something I want you to know about me—something I never told you. Something no one knows: not my husband, not my family. Here it is.

There was a very important period of my life you know nothing about. From the age of 19 until 27—eight years—it was the darkest time of my life. During that period, I received a brutal education in reality. I saw everything: the ugliness of the world and of human beings. I met the greatest masters of evil, the most skilled manipulators of the human mind, and lived beside them for years. During that time, I tried to kill myself twice. In case you didn’t notice, the scars on both my wrists are still there.

Those years taught me the harshest lessons a human soul can endure. They played with my mind and emotions, pushed me beyond limits I never imagined existed. It was unbearable—but I survived. I won in the end, though covered in scars, both on my body and on my soul. I lived eight years in the deepest hell imaginable. Compared to that, what you are doing to me now is small—almost insignificant. If I truly wanted to step into evil, I could crush you like a bug with the experience I have. I played with you a little only to show you who was stronger in this game—but manipulating minds is not who I am. I did it with a good intention: to frighten you, to bring you back to the right path. I see now that it didn’t work. Still, I believe in you—in your good heart—and in the power of my prayers for you. I know that one day you will turn your face toward God and love Him as He loves you.

When I finally escaped that hell, I made myself a promise: I would never return there again. I promised to be strong, to seek peace and happiness, and to fulfill my greatest dream—to have as many children as I could. When I met him, this good man who loved and cared for me deeply, he brought me a peace I had never known before. I devoted myself to raising my children, and I was the happiest person on earth. I closed myself off from the world and its ugliness and lived in purity and joy alongside the clean souls of my children. I forgot the darkness. I forgot the pain.

You brought it all back. But I will win again—just as I did before. Purity and goodness always win. No matter how many times I fall, I will rise again, stronger than ever, because I have Jesus in my heart. He has always loved me and stood beside me—even when I turned away from Him. And every time, He came back loving me even more.

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I know everything.

I told you—I have known since October 2024. I know since then that you are having an affair with her. I didn’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be the cause of so much pain in your family. I couldn’t bear to see the pain in your father’s eyes, nor in your wife’s.

I also know that this is the cause of your strange behavior. Your soul is involved in a fight—between good and evil. You love me because sometimes I am the oxygen you breathe when you need a moment of air outside of the darkness. But most of the time, you are on the side of evil.

My options are:

1. To insist on staying next to you, no matter what, or how many times you push me away. I would be like a doctor staying beside a person who is almost dying, holding on to the last hope of helping him survive.
2. To watch you from a distance and pray for you.

The second option is my choice, and I will explain why. Because God said so. Jesus said that if they do not ask for your help and tell you to go, then go and do not look back. Another reason is that this relationship is also affecting my balance, and I am starting to sin in my thoughts.

I know there is a terrible struggle in your soul. I know you hate your current life and what is happening, and you cannot see a way out. I know you desperately need my help. You need to feel that there is someone who knows the real you and still cares about you—with all your sins and your complicated character—and still loves you. And you know that I am that person. Someone who will always be there, no matter what. I am, and I always will be. But you have to call me.

Why? Because you must make a choice. You must decide which side you are going to be on: good or evil. Even good cannot be done to someone by force. I cannot be intrusive in your life. You have to ask for it.

God also does not enter our lives by force. Even though He has all the power, He allows us to choose—to come to Him and pray to Him. He watches us from a distance, protects us from falling too deeply, and when we are drowning, He is saving us out. I am doing the same. I will still be there for you, watching from far and sending you all my support through my prayers. This is the best help I can give you in these times. From time to time, I will pass by to see how you are and to have our healing conversations.

I cannot stay close to you because is affecting my spiritual balance. You are currently living in great sin. To name only the most serious ones: dissoluteness, lust, greed, anger, and revenge.

When you stay in the mud, you get dirty. I do not want to get dirty. The temptations are too strong—even for me, they are hard to resist. I have realized that I resisted all this time only through God’s help, not through my own strength. I am too weak.

Now, if you need some advice, I will explain the rest.

First of all, I have no idea how to get you out of this. You must want it yourself, with all your strength. But you don’t, because you are allowing your emotions to control you. She has found your weak and dark places and is exploiting them. She feeds your lust and your greed. She feeds your fears and your lack of trust.

I suppose you could begin by helping others— like charity. Second, you need to learn how to better control your inner world: to identify your past wounds and heal them. You know your wounds—why don’t you acknowledge them?

You must also learn to resist temptation. I know how hard this is. Above all, you should start praying—not from books, but from your heart. Speak to God daily. Share with Him your thoughts and feelings.

I know one thing: love will solve everything—spiritual love. Our souls are somehow connected, and I am feeding yours with the energy of my love. But this energy comes from my connection with the love of Jesus. I receive it through fasting, prayer, and tears—through purity. If I lose that, I will no longer be able to help you.

If you truly want to get out of all this, you must start fighting. I feel you are like someone struggling in deep water, trying not to drown, reaching for one last breath of air. That breath is the love of God, keeping you connected by a very delicate thread. I am that thread. He sent me to you for this reason.

I still see His light in your soul. It has not completely vanished.
Feed it.